The Winter Trip, 12/27/21

Happy New Year friends. I’m just back from a visit to see family in Tennessee and meet with a forester I hired to walk with me on the land I became enthralled with while writing my summer travelogue.

If you are seeing this for the first time and wondering what travelogue? Let me explain: In June, I left California with an outfitted camper on my truck with the intention of visiting and writing about every place I lived with my family growing up. The result is a 43,000-word journal which I will send in a separate email at your request. The pictures have lost a lot of quality in its current, compressed PDF form, but the writing is intact if you’d like some cozy winter reading.  

The land was not one of the places I lived, but has much family lore associated with it. Just 23 miles northeast of Knoxville, it was acquired by my grandfather starting in the early 1930s. For the next decade he continued to buy contiguous pieces until there were over 100 acres. I’ve been looking through old photos taken before I was born and comparing them with photos I took this past summer.

This road dissected the original piece. The farm house is visible in the old photo. Now the family property only includes what is on the south side of the road and a piece north of the road but not touching. Both are heavily wooded areas.

My grandfather Judson was a University of Tennessee chemistry professor. He bought the land and farmhouse as a place for his family to spend weekends, holidays and long summers playing, farming and exploring the woods. His plan was to eventually retire there.

My father, born in 1937 and the youngest in his family, had many memories associated with this place. Some of his stories include being snowed in and carried out on his father’s back to go get help for everyone left behind, getting buzzed by his half-brother Gilbert flying low over the farm during training to be a WWII pilot, and breaking his leg in a homemade box car ridden down one of the hills with his brother Clifton.

Dad with his parents at the farm. Judson was 15 years older than Clara–he born in 1892, she in 1907. Picture circa 1942. They were married in 1930.

Dad, circa 1955, leaning on the same mailbox I pulled out of the shed this summer.

My father had not been long out of the nest when after 42 years at UT my grandfather died in his doctoral cap and gown at what was to be his last graduation ceremony before retirement. I never met him. (A rather astonishing photo shows the exact moment of the heart attack and the pained expression on his face.) My young parents had just left from a visit and were on their way back home to New Orleans where dad was attending Tulane. Mom was six months pregnant with my sister. They were stopped by a state trooper in Louisiana and told they needed to call home.

My grandmother Clara started selling pieces of the original acreage in the 1970s. The old farmhouse and sections of cleared, farmable land were the first to go. What remained was divvied between interested children. Today what is left in my family is a 26-acre section with borders in the shape of an acute triangle and a 12-acre piece in the shape of a rhombus. The two do not touch. The triangular piece is where my grandfather is buried and also where I might like to build a cabin.

The rhombus sits closer to the base of Clinch Mountain, first ascended by some Paleo-American predecessor to the Cherokee, but credited to Daniel Boone and William Bean in European-American history. The ascension may not be noteworthy as a purely physical accomplishment. The 150-mile mountain range is 4,600 feet at its highest but just over 2,000 feet near the land deeded to me and perhaps human/animal trails were already in place. However, the Clinch range along with higher Appalachian mountains mark western expansion of European-Americans into territory previously unknown to them.

From a wooded access road the 12-acre piece drops away gradually and then dips into a slanted bowl. Overall, the elevation changes are less extreme than the triangular piece which is further from the mountain base and characterized by several high knobs. The rhombus is also more open with large hardwood trees and less green briar and saplings. A few rather dramatic boulders of both the spherical and chunky type are lodged in the thawed, winter loam. One looks like it would make a nice picnic table. I imagine these boulders coming loose from the mountain top eons ago and thundering down the steep side snapping trees and throwing up wedges of earth until reaching their final resting place. I like the feeling of permanence these big rocks engender. I don’t like the idea of anyone moving them.

The Sheridan cabin, two-rooms with a metal roof sits near the south west corner. One room has collapsed and much of the walls of the other are open. I intend to salvage the roof of the fallen section and take it to the other property where I have my sites set on a flat shelf that juts out from the tallest knob. It is here I’d like to build a cabin that overlooks the little valley between the knobs and the mountain on the other side. Both pictures above were taken this year—the first in summer and the other in winter. The summer shot is on the uphill side and the winter on the downhill side. Note the visibility afforded during winter time. The time to walk land, find boundaries and plan is after leaf fall.

Future cabin site about 50 yards away from the cemetery. Lots of pines in this area—mostly Virginia and loblolly.

Incidentally, the land between the knobs and Clinch Mountain is called Poor Valley. My father talked about how this land wasn’t much good for farming. On the other side of the knobs, closer to the Holston River is Richland which is superior for growing food. I mentioned the poor soil to Jeff, the forester, owning the same lamentation that my father seemed fond of, but Jeff had a different take.

“What isn’t good for vegetables isn’t necessarily bad for trees,” he said. “It’s all dependent on what you are growing.”

The shelf that extends out facing the mountain–the place where I’d like to build a cabin–begins to tilt around one side of the knob where the family cemetery is about 50 yards away. Three seven-foot granite slabs make up this small family plot at the base of the two-hundred foot knob. During this trip I added a marker for my mother. My parents had been divorced for 20 years at the end of their lives, but I don’t think mom would mind being memorialized alongside her in-laws.

I placed my mother’s memorial stone at the base of a double hemlock. Mom’s favorite tree was a Weeping Willow. There are none of those on the property. Hemlocks are a little weepy though so maybe that’s good enough. Eventually I may plant a Willow tree.

Although these recent photos make the woods look pretty tidy the summer foliage is gone and overgrowth died back during winter. Saplings abound and if I’d had more time I would have pulled a bunch from the wet soil while it was easy to—primarily along possible walking paths. Unlike the old photo you see below, the cemetery area has been left to go wild for many years now. I’m not necessarily a nice-and-neat lawn type person, but this land could definitely use some pruning. I’d like to make walking paths throughout with stopping spots for—as the forester suggests—places to take tea.

Picture with Bob Manning senior (dad’s brother-in-law) and his son Jeffrey at the cemetery site, before markers had been placed. Jeffrey’s older brother Bob jr. road with my grandfather in the ambulance when he died. He was 16 or 17 years old. His inability to do anything inspired him to get certified as an EMT later. CPR had not been invented at the time. To my great sorrow, Bob junior died during covid this year.
This is a photo of the same location at a slightly different angle taken a few days ago. The two arrows show the same two trees. The closest tree, a shagbark (or shellbark) hickory hasn’t grown a whole lot in the 56 years since the first picture was taken. Mom’s memorial stone is under the double hemlock behind the hickory.

On the opposite side of the knob the shelf slopes downward in a sort of ramp and near its lowest point next to a gully sits an old shed.

This is the same shed I spent many days cleaning out this past summer. Among other things it contained dishes, clothes, shoes, books, photos and memorabilia, skis, bat boxes, whisky stashes, tools, hardware, and games, most in their final stages of deterioration. Extra mattresses and old army bed frames were kept there during its heyday to be pulled out for guests at the farm house. Much of the mattress batting had been relocated by mice to make a well-constructed miceopolis that has grown up this past half century while humans stayed afield.

The bat boxes were sort of mouse high rises filled with the soft cotton. Three wooden chests were apartment complexes. The high and low shed shelves had corners filled with mouse material making me wonder if mice real-estate values are based on elevation and view just like humans’. There was chewed up paper and batting in shoes and I imagine the mice had fairy tales about the old mouse who lived in a shoe and had so many children she didn’t know what to do—except being a mouse she knew exactly what to do and likely moved up to one of those deluxe apartments pretty quickly with that kind of progeny.

Three blind mice is the worst sort of horror story here except for me who—in a matter of days—came and destroyed the years of work by these Lilliputian-like beings. I’ll never forget the tender eyes of one that came out from the soft fluff inside a wooden crate, looked at me, and then dove over the side before I started cleaning it out.

Next up…my walk in the woods with the forester.

Day 49 – Amarillo, TX

August 3, 2021

I was thinking about that term, People of Color this morning. There is really no way to talk about race without it offending someone. In this case, myself. People of Color is fun. What is the opposite?People of no-color? White and black are useful terms in language I suppose. They are short cuts. I always make a point of telling my students that I’m called white, but I’m not really white. I then hold up a sheet of copy paper next to my skin to prove it. 

Also, People of Color sets up this all-encompassing dichotomy. You have People of Color and then you have white people. It will be a good day when we live in a world where we understand that we are all blended cups of coffee, some with extra cream and some with spices of cardamon or cayenne. 

Coffee. I’m in McDonald’s trying to get a post off before I hit the road. (I just figured out the other day that I can get a senior cup of coffee at McDonald’s!). I’m shooting for Flagstaff tonight. Jillian has a friend seven minutes off of Interstate 40 who is going to let me park on his land. It will be nice to meet him and his family. This is an old boyfriend she hasn’t seen in over 20 years. I get to see him for her. 

It’s a lot of miles. I can’t futz around too much with this posting like I tend to do noticing imperfections for hours like the it’s/its thing that is the bane of my existence. Okay that’s extreme. Water incursions are that. I had a few drips the other night. Saw a new leak when it rained in Little Rock as I was going to bed. 

BTW, Cracker Barrel is being good to me. Another one with free overnight parking here in Amarillo. Oh, and it wasn’t the sewer after all that smelled! I gave my feet a good washing last night. I likely built up a host of smelly bacteria wearing the tick-repellant rubber boots I borrowed from Stewart for tromping on the family land in Blaine. 

I’m going to post a few more pictures from there and hit the road. I camped only one night on the old Halcyon Hills land but it was sublime. According to the Fitbit my Uncle John got me for my birthday, I got 7 hours and 7 minutes of sleep in the tent. That’s the most I’ve gotten since I’ve been recording it for over a week now. 

This morning deep, fun dreams with a host of family and odd ball characters from my past—case in point, Jerry, a guy I worked with at the People’s Library in SF Tenderloin. He may have been telling me about one of his movie script ideas in that excited, jacked-up-on-coffee way he had. 

One day I came to the library and someone had written some graffiti on a brick at the entrance of the building. “Jerry, take a chill pill it said.” But I loved that guy. Hope he is still around. He was living with HIV and camping under bridges—often with a transvestite girlfriend who’s voice was a deep, slow Texas twang. 

Okay, pictures:

Some of the shed contents on a trash run in Stewart’s pickup—local plates.

This lady just didn’t want to leave her mattress home. This is a week after I saw her the first time still carrying those eggs.
I found this almost full bottle of whiskey stashed with another bottle and two beers. I washed off the bottle and tasted it. Seemed fine but I didn’t want to take my chances.
Those Shlitz can tops have no tab. A church key was needed. It dates these to pre-1962 at least. Likely the 50s. One of the cans of beer was 3/4 full. I didn’t try that.
I found the alcohol stashed in one of these boxes. Any idea what they are? I was thinking bat boxes. Those wood dowels are finished with notches at the end. Hanging perches to be set in drilled holes in the boxes? The rectangles kind of fit in those square slots at the top of the boxes.
Kind of a gruesome find in the shed. Top pic shows the opossum in the shed and bottom is outside against leaf and pine litter. This carapace was like a flat piece of cardboard. I found the top section of the skull about four feet from this possum leather in the shed.

I had to look on the internet to figure out that the top piece—center cranium—and the bottom—right top jaw went together with the left top jaw to form the top of the skull. I was inaccurately trying to put the pieces together like in the middle picture.
A visitor outside the shed. It took a while for her to come out of her shell once she knew I was looking.
Daddy longlegs
Wood skis in need of a polish. The wood crates used in the shed were stamped U.T. Department of Chemistry.
More family pictures found. The guy on right was my grandmother Robbie’s dad. He had a successful mortuary in Bristol, TN. I don’t know the cute baby or lady top right, but I recorded the names written on back with my phone. Handy to have a computer in your pocket.
This is the first tree I ever chopped down. It fell the opposite way I thought it would. My Youtube self-teaching obviously didn’t work too well. Hint—the angle of the chop is important. Actually, I got the saw stuck in the tree. After trying to loosen it I gave up and went back through the woods to try and find a  neighbor with an axe. I was almost to the road when I heard that splintering wood sound. I walked back and it was down. These woods are very rough with many fallen trees and many standing dead. This one was dead and near where I was putting up my tent. It was 40 years old according to its rings. I was surprised it was that old because it was so skinny, but it was about 40 feet tall.
Love this tent lent to me by cousins Tommy and Kim. Very spacious. I could have lived the whole summer in it.
(This series of sky pictures was taken inside the tent-10 minutes apart at sunset.)
The crown prince were a little small—too many to the can but not tough like those I had in Denton which were tiny and too chewy. The Sunny Seas looked premasticated. I ate them anyway; it’s just their condition took away a little of the pleasure and I wondered what had happened to get them in that state. BTW, I was calling these clams at the beginning of my travel journal. They have always been smoked oysters. I haven’t even seen smoked clams.
Sunset in the Texas panhandle.
Need a job?

Days 45 – 48, Little Rock, Arkansas

August 2, 2021

I’ve started my trip home. I left Corryton yesterday at noon. I just lucked out ending up at a Cracker Barrel in Little Rock that allows overnight parking. I was actually just looking for a motel lot when I came across this. It was nice to be able to pull in and get my bed ready without having to be sneaky. A motorhome is parked nearby.

It’s been a slow learning process, but at some point it hit me that I need to stuff as many of my things as possible into the cab while I sleep instead of trying to share my bed with a piece of rolling luggage and a large duffel bag.

I had to move the truck after sitting on the tailgate and smelling a rather foul breeze. At first I thought it was my feet but then I looked down and saw I’d parked right in front of a large sewer grate on the grassy median between the Cracker Barrel parking lot and a Marriott extended stay. 

The more days that pass between posts the harder it is to write. It makes sense; more days means more experiences to choose from—more birds. Movement and nightly boondocking seemed to provide a rhythm and the appropriate level of spontaneity to get a daily post done. Now I feel like I have all this material bunched up. I’m like a baby in a pile of clothes. 

Speaking of which—Sewanee:

One of my earliest memories is laying on a big green lawn on campus and watching frisbees fly overhead against the backdrop of a blue sky. I also remember my mom coming into the kitchen crying one morning. When I asked her what was wrong she said, “Daddy won’t go to the store and get me a coca-cola.” Bizarre! I’ve pondered this over the years. I think she was crying over something real and tried to put it into terms I might understand. Then again, she was in her mid-twenties with two small kids. Maybe she just wanted a coke. 

Other memory: the Lowes were family friends—the father a chemistry professor.  Their house had the wonderful smell of his pipe and the wood fireplace in the living room. I was very much in love with the older girl, Leah, who was pretty and had long blonde hair, but the younger girl Sarah was who I bonded with. My mouth was head level with her chest and I often placed it there and bit, trying to get a purchase on that flat surface. I seem to remember the wet spots I’d leave on her shirt. 

Finding my old house was a challenge. I was half-a-year-old to 3 when we lived there. Additionally, the house had been moved down the street while we were still in it. I imagine us sitting at the windows waving during the process but, no, we moved out. The house was put on a flatbed pulled by a semi. A special wide pallet was made to support it extending beyond the edges. I have a picture somewhere of it in creeping-transit as it was moved down the street. When I say I lived in fourteen places, I count this house twice. 

I’ve searched for the home in past decades circling in and around campus without luck. The last time I saw it was on a trip with my parents and sister. It was the last time we were all together—probably around 1987. We visited the Lowe’s. The girls and parents were there. Now I was in love with Sarah! I guess that biting bond was the real thing. 

Having searched the campus several times in the past I knew it was best to take a different approach now. I started with the buildings and grounds department. It was a little foolish imagining that there would be a 75-year-old maintenance worker there who would remember a house being moved back in the mid 60s. A office worker sent me to university leasing. (All the land and many of the houses around the campus are owned by the university.)

The leasing office was in a small bungalow near the edge of campus. I sat down in front of the desk of a nice woman and explained my quest giving her my father’s name. She did a search on her computer. 

“It was nothing fancy,” I told her. “Kind of like an old farm house. But it had three floors.”

“Do you know what the address of the home was,” she asked pausing between key strokes. 

“No, but I know it was close to the center of campus. In fact, it was either moved off-campus or vice-versa.” I related how the semi flatbed was used.  “I seem to remember my dad saying it was moved about a thousand feet.” 

After a few minutes clicking on her keys she said there wasn’t data going back that far. She wanted to check some files and offered me a book of local historical homes to look through as she left the room. No luck.

On a table near the front window an aromatherapy machine quietly released  a stream of “seafog” vapor next to a 5 x 8 picture of a man in military uniform. About ten more photos of a yellow Labrador Retriever were around the room, posed and impromptu, on the wall, desk and bookshelf. 

The woman returned unable to find anything and after a few more helpful questions she recommended that I go see the people at University Archives. 

The archives were next to the Jessie duPont library in a lovely, single story rock building of the unifying architectural type ubiquitous on campus. Rocking chairs lined a front porch and I imagined a couple of aging alums sitting there taking in their old alma mater.

Sewanee University archives
Front porch of the archive building

In the lobby there was a reception stand but no one there. I saw movement through the door to several interior offices and soon a woman came from there, introduced herself and listened to my request. 

“I’m going to go see what I can find,” Jenny said. “Oop. I haven’t even opened up the gallery. You can go in here and wait if you like.”

She opened two French doors and turned on lights. I walked into a  large, high-ceilinged, rectangular room with two upholstered benches facing opposite each other at center. Evenly spaced around the four walls were black and white and color photos of landscapes and other natural elements. Three artists were represented with work ranging from the last decade to the early 1960s. 

I slowly walked the perimeter looking at the photos, stopping to study the ones I liked to determine what it was about the composition that attracted me. After completing the circuit I took a seat on a bench and began to rummage through my backpack like the boondocker I am, forever trying to arrange things into some meaningful order and keep things clean. Jenny returned.

“I’ve found a file on your father that I thought you might like to look through,” she said leading me from the room to an alcove off the lobby. (In a distant room I saw a person wearing white gloves and carefully turning pages.)

“This doesn’t have any information about an address,” Jenny continued, “but you can look through it while I do some more searching.”

She set the tabbed manila folder on a desk and left. The service I was receiving at Sewanee felt like something out of a Hollywood movie. I felt like Tom Hanks in the Da Vinci Code, but I wasn’t trying to solve an ancient conspiracy, just find out where my little three-year-old self lived 53 years ago. 

The file was thin but I slowly turned over each sheet reading the contents. There was a faculty data form filled out by my dad, a university photo, a media release to The Winchester Herald-Times and two newspaper articles from The Nashville Tennessean and The Sewanee News

1965. Dad was 28.
Mom and dad moved to NYC soon after they were married. Dad had hoped to break into theatre on Broadway. Writing for Equitable was his day job. Mom worked as a secretary–I can’t remember where. Pregnant with my sister she said she got no breaks squeezing onto the subway for her commute.

In 1965, Sewanee didn’t have its own theatre department. It was part of English. Yet dad directed three full-production plays each of the three years he was there. The university was also all male and dad had difficulty casting women’s roles from the sparse selection of faculty and graduate student wives and local workers. He played a part in a movement to make the school coed, which it did in 1969, a year after he left. Later, Theatre and Dance was established as its own department.

When Tennessee Williams died he bequeathed his entire estate and literary works to Sewanee to be made available upon the death of his sister Rose. When she died in 1996, the university received seven million dollars along with the additional millions that would roll in from royalties. Williams is probably the second most-produced playwright in the world—after the English bard. If ever there was a well-endowed university theatre department, Sewanee now is it. Dad would sometimes kick himself for ever leaving.

Jenny arrived back in the alcove walking quickly.

“Okay, I’ve found your dad listed in an old phone book,” she said as she went to a low table in front of another upholstered bench. I moved from the desk to sit next to her and she opened it to a bookmarked page. She scanned down with her finger as she caught her breath. 

“It’s right……here,” she said with a final exhalation. I looked and saw Ala Ave after my dad’s name.

“The names have streets attached with them but no number address. Alabama avenue  was actually where the sidewalk is right outside our door.”

“Oh my gosh really!”

“I know, right?” she said. 

I was amazed at the coincidence but also suddenly frightened; if there was no street then there was likely no house. Then again, the fact that they were doing away with the street might be the reason the house was moved. Jenny stood and closed the book. 

“I think I have an idea where the house may be because the street starts up again where the sidewalk ends.”  She continued with some elaborate directions that I had difficulty following.

“You know I have a better idea.” She led me to a back door that looked out over a parking lot. 

“Go around this way,” she indicated. “When you come out on the other side of that building you will see it. Let me know what you find.” 

The first house I came to had possibilities. Something about the back was familiar. I remembered my father telling me that there was a boogieman who lived in an outside structure, but that structure, a well-house or something wasn’t there. I pondered the front, then turned onto Mitchell Street. 

Maybe it wasn’t moved down the same street but to an adjoining one? There was a large three-story house tucked into the woods on the corner, but I decided it was way too big. Across the street was another house, also in some woods, but it was too modern. I walked to the top of the street and there was a demolition site. Maybe it had been torn down? 

I walked back to Alabama and went along it for what I guessed was more than a thousand feet but none of the houses fit the bill. Returning, I stopped again at the first house. I pondered the front again. The porch was familiar but the house looked too big. There was a beat up sign laying on the stairs that said, “Community Engagement House.” I went to the front door and knocked. No one answered so I tried the door. It was open. 

“Hello. Anyone home,” I called out. “Hello,” I said again louder. “Anyone here?” In a distant spot of the house I heard a door close.Emboldened by my memory of living at a university coop and not caring too much who walked around, I entered.

Something about the main living space seemed familiar—the wood floor and wood paneling, but there was nothing definitive. I was three years old after all. 

There was a bulletin board. On it was a flyer with the face of a young African American man. Hello my name is….I am your resident advisor for CEH… Okay, this is definitely some sort of University housing.

I peaked my head down a hall that led to a kitchen. Then I turned and saw the stairs. As soon as I stepped onto them I remembered. This was my house! My strongest memory of it was those stairs with a small landing that turned for a few more stairs at the top. 

These stairs were uncarpeted wood when I was small. I believe they were painted red or had some sort of colorful bordering.

I crept to the top and looked at the door that I believed was my room. There were three other doors up there each with little brass numbers—1,2,3,4. I thought about knocking on the door of my room but then thought better of it. 

I went back down the stairs quietly. Back outside I made a half circle taking pictures. I then realized why the house hadn’t been more familiar. There had been additions added on. It had just been that central, basic, Salt-box, structure when I lived there. 

Take away the left and right additions and that was the house I lived in.
There was a boogieman on this side of the house in a little shed.
When I returned to tell Jenny that I found my old house she showed me this lamenated, archived map of the campus when I lived there. My finger is where we believe our house was and #27, an inch below, where it was moved to.  She had also found an article about the relocation of the home. The duPont library was completed in 1965. The house had sat directly across from it. I’m sure it was moved because it didn’t fit in with the rest of the campus and the desire for expansive lawns. Where it sits now is on the outer edge of campus and does not offer an interruption to the stonework aesthetic.
This lawn is where I believe the house originally stood. It may have also been where one of my earliest memories watching frisbees fly overhead took place. The Jessie Ball duPont library, completed during the year of my birth is in the background.

I don’t know the relationship between Jessie Ball duPont and Sewanee. It isn’t easily apparent from the university website or her wikipedia listing. Apparently she was a big philanthropist. However, there are disturbing racist quotes associated with her on the wiki site. 

As a University, Sewanee has some heavy lifting to do to deal with its past. Founded by slave holders and leaders of the confederacy, I’m curious how it handles this legacy. The cornerstone for the university was laid just before the beginning of the civil war and then blown up by occupying union forces. 

While I was walking on campus, a large percentage of students I saw and some older people, who may have been faculty, were African American. It may have been some sort of summer orientation program for students of color or a true representation of the student body. Either way, representation is key to change and I was impressed. 

As I continue to write and focus on race I have become aware of how my very focus on the issue might be viewed as strange by a younger generation, especially being so removed from these places of my past. When I become excited and say, “I saw a black person!” what does that say about my mindframe concerning the South? But honestly, it wasn’t a black person, but very many people of color—perhaps 50%! 

I know there are young people today growing up who do not view others through the lens of race. I envy them. I’m still working on that. 

Days 39 to 44 – Johnson City, TN

July 29, 2021

When I stopped in Tehachapi, CA to do my first post for this trip I became one step closer to the dubious milestone of having been to every town in the song Willin’ by Little Feat. I still lack Tonapah. Now with my journey almost done, the question is, Am I still willin’?

I’ve used a number of metaphors for my writing process on this journey and now I’ll add another: rabbit hole—as in—I went down one. I’ve been caught up trail blazing, shed improving, tent readying on that land in Blaine and my writing has taken a backseat. Case in point—my first post in almost a week. 

Jillian sent me a song yesterday which references the place from which I keypunch these words: Wagon Wheel by Old Crow Medicine Show.  Have I said I cry a lot during this trip? Okay, so I’m going to embrace it just like I did with quiche in the eighties — bucking the trend that real men don’t eat it (or make it).

Anthony needed to cancel our plans to get together. I couldn’t get a refund on this motel room where we were going to stay one night—so I’m using it as a retreat from the retreat.

Johnson City is about two hours northeast from Corryton. It’s also the last town my dad had a full-time teaching gig in before retiring from East Tennessee State University. I never lived here but visited a number of times over the years, first when my parents were still together and lived in Jonesborough and then later when dad and Sharon were married and lived in Johnson City proper. (FYI, Jonesborough is the oldest town in Tennessee and where the National Storytelling Festival is held each year.) 

The first place dad taught was Sewanee. You might remember that my family’s train was hitched to pop and his teaching jobs though I can’t say whose train we were hitched to within each town. (Moving six times in Denton still baffles me.)

I was born during rehearsal of dad’s first production—Desire Under the Elms, by Eugene O’Neill. We hadn’t moved the 21 miles from Winchester to Sewanee yet. Dad said I was often on stage in a bassinet during rehearsal—I suppose a place holder for the baby that is killed by his mother in O’Neill’s modern tragedy. (I’m not going to take it personal.)

Sewanee—The University of the South is a place of great privilege. I’ve often thought that living most of my initial three years there gave me the mistaken impression that I was part of a royal family living in a magic kingdom. Indeed some of our close family friends at the time were named the Royals. We lived on the campus of this wealthy, private, endowed institution with it’s beautiful, castle-like stone structures and impeccable lawns.  Of the nine plays my dad directed at Sewanee six are period pieces and three depicted the inner workings of English royal court — King Lear by William Shakespeare, Henry IV by Pirandello and A Man for All Seasons by Robert Bolt. I was actually seeing people dressed up as royalty. Is it any wonder that (according to my mother) I acted like a little king and demanded things be brought to me and threw down my fork when I wasn’t happy with the fare?

All Saint’s Chapel on Sewanee campus
The McClurg Dining Hall is relatively new but in keeping with the gothic architecture of the campus.—both these pics were stolen from the web.

Why do I bring this up now? Because along with race, this thing—privilege/entitlement—has been one of the biggest challenges in my life.

Anne Tyler, in her book, A Spool of Blue Thread, narrates the thoughts of the Whitshank family and relates how they believed they were different and more special than other families. The author suspects a lot of families have this somewhat deluded notion. I’m sure I did. I was steeped in entitlement. It may be the thing family’s do to mask all their failings, but for me it meant never feeling that I belonged. It meant always feeling like an outsider.

I think my father suffered from this as well and fought for much of his life to lose himself of those constraints. Perhaps this phenomenon is common for the children of University professors. You know, professors are supposed to be smart; they are supposed to be the ones who know. It can be a painful process reckoning with all the things you don’t. 

I imagine dad bucked against the feeling of privilege and entitlement when he canceled his wedding planned with the daughter of another UT faculty in Knoxville four years before I was born. You have to like yourself to be with someone like yourself.  

When he ran to his friend, my mother, I wonder if he was attracted to someone from a family less possessed of themselves—less attached to position and stature? This is not to say there was anything simple about my mom. She was, in a way, a creature that was self-invented. (When she was a teen my grandmother insisted she be part of some sort of debutant ball. I have newspaper clipping which shows all the girls but one in white dresses—my mom wearing black.)

But mom came from a small town, Winchester, compared to his Knoxville. She viewed life from the ground, not those gilded towers of higher education. Her mom was a second grade teacher. Her dad was a printer. 

As I’ve said, dad often joked that he came from a long line of cold, distant and aloof people. They had lofty ideas about who they were in the world. I’d forgotten that the Robertson’s called their country retreat Halcyon Hills.


(I pulled this mailbox from the shed.)
This field was part of the property attached to what was the old farm house where they stayed and enjoyed family time together in Blaine. It was sold by Grandma Robbie in the 1970s. Across from it is the 26-acre wooded parcel containing the shed and memorial stones.

On one of their vacations out to the land, when dad was still a boy, he walked into a country store somewhere nearby and had the notion to mock the locals. 

“I’d like an RC Cola and mooooon pie,” he said to the attendant in his best country accent. 

Somehow one of his older brothers—he had a full brother and two half-brothers and a half-sister—found out about this and reprimanded him severely. 

Dad always told this story for the humorous effect but his face would contort into a sheepish grin with the painful memory of trying to find his place in the world. 

It’s a long process. I guess I’m still working on it.

I found this old RC Cola bottle at the shed. It has a strange oval shape.
Moon Pie’s are still made in Chattanooga, TN.
It’s just a 20 minute drive on Emory Road and State Highway 11W from Corryton to the land in Blaine. The Clinch mountains seen in the distance are what the Blaine land in Poor Valley back up to.

Days 37 and 38–Jasper, TN

July 23, 2021

I started doing some work on the land in Blaine—clearing a path to the granite markers that sit on a three acre portion of the land identified for tax purposes as a family cemetery. I’m not sure how long it would take for my relatives to fill a three acre cemetery, but there is no one I know on the Robertson side doing the procreation required for the opposite result. 

I also started some work on making the shed useful again. I will pick my nephew Anthony up from a train station in southern West Virginia next week and bring him down to camp on this land and help with taming the wilderness—at least a little. The camping will be what is called primitive—no water and we will have to dig a pit toilet. There are cousins here in Jasper who have lent me a tent cabin which I may set up before Anthony arrives. (I’m in Jasper after attending Virginia’s funeral.) 

Survival is its own occupation. Camping won’t be that extreme as I have access to a credit card and grocery store about five miles away. It’s really about making the land more hospitable. The seed of an idea germinated and began to grow as I picked my way through the forest knocking down spider webs and looking up at the tops of trees. I’ve begun to think about building a cabin here.

For all the joy the land brought to my father’s family in the 1940 and 50s, my father spoke discouragingly of the land that is left.  My grandfather pieced together close to 200 acres of continuous land although in my search at the register of deeds I was only able to find the two parcels that are still owned by my family (Sharon specifically). There are 12 acres with the Sheridan cabin on one side of Poor Valley Road and 26 acres on the other side where the cemetery and shed are. The 12 acres are relatively flat with a gradual slope toward the road. The 26 acres are what my dad called knobby. The parts best suited for farming were sold off in the 1960s after my grandfather died. 

“My mother was afraid I was going to start a commune on the land,” my dad used to say with equal parts whimsy and bitterness.  He claims this was Grandma Robbie’s reason for selling off the land, but it was more likely that she just wanted cash to lay down as many of those granite slabs as she could and travel around the world a few times—which she did. Truth be told, the land was never considered good farm land and my dad was quick to admit as much.

“There is a reason this is called Poor Valley. You can’t grow much here,” my dad told me a number of times. He said Richland nearby, just like Poor Valley, has a reason for its name. 

I don’t know enough about geography or soil science to know why, but it may be that Richland is rich because of its closer proximity to the Holston River. Grainger County tomatoes, which seem to have some level of fame in these parts, are grown there.

Beyond poor soil quality, the other thing I heard most mentioned about the land was that it’s snaky and full of ticks and poison ivy. The ticks  I can confirm and the poison ivy may be the most prevalent ground cover.

Apparently copperheads and rattlesnakes abound too though in the four days I’ve spent exploring the woods I haven’t come across one…and part of what I was doing recently was clearing timber and logs on the ground where they would normally hide. 

I don’t have much fear of rattlesnakes. All my encounters with them in the past involve hearing them before I see them. Copperheads are a different story though. One of the nearby land owners say they are more aggressive and hold their ground during encounters whereas rattlesnakes retreat. Both snakes have bites that are painful but rarely deadly. 

What I fear more than either is ticks which can harbor pathogens. Five or six years ago Anthony and I visited the land with Sharon and Aunt Linda. There were bushes of lush raspberries along the road up to the Sheridan cabin and we got out of the car to pick some. We were not more than five minutes at this task. Before getting back in the car we did a tick check. I found nine on the outside of my clothes and Anthony found a similar number. 

Aware of this, I dressed appropriately this time. My first three days of exploration I wore my blue rain jacket zipped to the neck with a bandana tied above it. I closed the velcro fasteners tightly around my wrists. Underneath I wore a long-sleeve shirt tucked into long pants and had the long pants tucked into rubber boots that I borrowed from Aunt Linda’s boyfriend Stewart. I topped my head with a ball-cap and sang the wonders of not seeing a single tick during any of those days. 

But sealing myself up like that came at the price of being hot so, two days ago, when I did the log cutting work seen in the photos below, I chose to forego all the precautions. 

I substituted the boots with my regular walking shoes. I tucked my pants into nothing—not even my socks. I wore a long sleeve t-shirt untucked without the jacket. 

At the end of the day, after finally applying the Wet and Forget to the granite markers, I found two ticks crawling on me—one on my shirt and the other on my ribs when I lifted it. 

When I got home and took off all my clothes for a more thorough check I found one that may have been attached but not completely burrowed on my back in a place that I could just barely reach. 

At this point, a rather large dose of heebie jeebies took hold. I started feeling things crawling on me that weren’t there. I took a shower washing my hair and checking the crevices of my body where ticks are known to hide.  

When I was done I dried off and went to my bed with my computer to check emails and catch up on the day’s news. A dark cloud began to form over the ideas that I’d begun to nurture about the land and building a small cabin for writerly retreats and nature studies in which I would learn every species of tree. 

As an afterthought I began running my hand through my hair and checking the terrain of my scalp. Damn! Damn! Damn! I found a bump and knew immediately what it was—another damn tick! I pulled it off and went quickly to the bathroom where I put it in the sink, unfolded a blade from my Leatherman and chopped the tick in half as I’d done with the one before. Later I kicked myself for not taking a picture of it.

It’s been two days now. I have a red spot from the bite on my back which surprised me because it had come off without much effort. I’m watching it carefully and asking relatives to keep an eye on it too. My dream has had a good dose of realism burrow its way in (to use the obvious metaphor). Still, I’m not giving up on the little cabin idea. Knowledge is power! The next tick I see is going under the magnifying glass and you can bet I’ll be buttoned up tight for coming excursions to tame a small part of this little wilderness. 

Here are some before pictures: 

This large pine tree fell and made a natural bridge over a gulley to the shed.
It also took out a porch, corner post and roof panel.

Here are some front views:

A small tree fell on the same side without damaging much.
This was my first time using a gas chainsaw and it really made me feel like a lumberjack.

Here are some after photos:

I need to flatten and reattach this piece of tin.

The fallen pine snagged this sapling and pulled it over into an arch. I’m going to try to find a way to stake it or bury the top and see if it will continue as a living arch to the shed.
Are trees growing in old wheelbarrows a photographic cliché at this point? I still like them.
The machete is a good tool for path clearing. I’ve learned to chop at an angle—an effective method for removing trees and limbs up to 3/4 inch thick.
Lest anyone think that Corryton, TN doesn’t have a decent beer selection, I submit evidence.

Days 35 and 36–Corryton,TN

July 20, 2021

I’m up to my eyeballs here in tombstones—physical, literal, metaphorical, allegorical, you name it. Last night I watched “Five Guns to Tombstone” on this cowboy movie channel I’m a little hooked on.  It was a C minus in acting but a solid B in plot. After that I couldn’t stick with, “The Toughest Gun in Tombstone”. It was taking its time to get up to speed. I turned it off after 15 minutes and went to bed. 

Still, I wake up with tombstones. I have my mom’s here in the garage at my Aunt Linda’s. More accurately, it is a memorial stone. 

It’s my job to find something to do with it since it’s been displaced from the river house my Uncle John sold. I’ve put it upon myself to see if my mom’s partner of 14 years has a marker that I might be able to place it beside. I’ve left a message at the girl’s camp where Marrietta had connections stretching over 60 years, but my guess is there isn’t one. Granite markers are expensive and it’s usually only family that bothers with them. I’m not sure she had any family she was close too. 

When I was in Winchester I washed my Grandma and Grandpa’s grave. After scrubbing away the first day I came back later and used a product called Wet and Forget which, supposedly, over time, eats away any moss and lichen and keeps the marker clean for a year or two. It takes it a while to do it’s job which is why my grandparents markers don’t look so clean. 

“I thought you would like moss and lichen,” Jillian said over the phone. 

“I do, but I guess the point of a marker is for people to be able to read it,” I answered. 

I was still of the mind set my cousin Chuck left me with at the Cracker Barrel when he told me that markers were useful for genealogist. 

Jillian was right about my aesthetic though. I much prefer the natural look. Here are a few favorite markers I found walking through the University cemetery at Sewanee.

Then there are the three 4 x 7 foot slab markers out on the old Robertson land. They remain on my mind too. My Robertson grandfather, who I never met, bought a 25 acre tract of the land in Blaine, TN back in 1936. He paid $75 for it. He bought another 35 acre tract across the road in 1947 and paid $650.  (I went to the county office to look up the deeds.) 

When Judson Robertson died he was buried there because of all the good memories the family had on that land. A UT chemistry professor my dad’s family spent summers there, 25 miles from their home in Knoxville. Dad’s dad died at his last University graduation wearing his professorial cap and gown.He was retiring the next day. I have a picture of him somewhere mid-heart attack. 

My genealogy-loving grandma Robbie put an enormous slab marker for him in the woods there and one for herself and son Clifton. Today I went back with the Wet and Forget.  What still needs to be done is to decide whether or not to have her 1996 death date added to her marker.  

A preliminary inquiry of engraving looks like it will be around $2000 to get someone to trek through those woods and sandblast or chisel it into the granite. There isn’t nearby access to electricity, so they’ll have to haul a generator out there if sand blasting is the method to be used. My step-mom Sharon has offered to pay for this.

She also texted last night and asked if I think my dad should have a marker out there with them since he would be the only one of that nuclear family who didn’t. 

“No, I don’t think so. Where would it end?” I texted back.

It’s a valid question I think and I guess the answer is when the last Robertson, Knott, Long, Rothwell, etc., drops dead—basically when climate change kills off the last human on this planet. 

I suppose my interest in genealogy waxes and wanes. At the moment, adding more tombstones to the family legacy seems of dubious value. The whole point of this trip—to discover what I can about myself and what makes me who I am—seems to have little imperative since this rubber tramp has parked his wheels. 

My cousin Bob lived the last of his days in Long Island New York before dying of Covid last February. He might have been able to guide me. Like my cousin Chuck, he was the one most interested in genealogy. In fact, on the Robertson side he was the only one I knew who gave two shucks about family history. I suppose I do, but he really did. He was even into finding family on those DNA websites. He’d actually go visit people he’d never met. He also visited all the slab markers my grandma Robbie spent the last of the Robertson fortune placing all over the Southeast. 

(Granma Robbie’s verbosity, not being confined to the spoken word but also to those carved in granite, spent a small fortune on my Uncle Clifton’s marker. At today’s prices, the engraving alone would have cost around $30,000 at the going rate of $20/letter…and she did several of these rather wordy markers in other places.)

More importantly to me, Bob was the last living relative who really knew and loved my dad. He looked up to him like an older brother and could tell me stories about him—real stories not just genealogical relationship stories. We exchanged long emails together for more than twelve years after my father died in 2009. 

When Bob died last February we were in the middle of a long email discussion that could have been subtitled, “Is our family crazy or do all families have this?” I was leaning toward the first while acknowledging that all families are touched by mental illness. Still we seemed to have more than our share—Bob’s branch in particular. His mother killed herself. His first wife killed herself and one of his two brothers killed himself. Then there is the rampant alcoholism. It was almost easier to name who wasn’t than who was. It seems to be part of our genetic code. It’s one of the reasons I never wanted to have kids.

When Bob died I was on a camping trip. He had included me in a group chat on Facebook but I wasn’t looking at Facebook much anymore. The chat explained that everyone in his household was sick with Covid. The next day he said he needed oxogen and couldn’t get any delivered and that he had terrible diarrhea. The next day, the one on which he died, there were no comments, only questions. I didn’t see any of this until it was too late. 

What I got instead was a voice message from the only other person I’m in contact with on the Robertson side of the family. She said, “We closed on the house. By the way did you hear cousin Bob died?”

I was devastated. I didn’t know I contained such a well of tears.  In fairness to my other cousin, she wasn’t aware that I had become so close to Bob. And WTF cousin Bob? Have you ever heard of calling an ambulance? I still don’t have the full story. 

Anyway, tombstones…

I’ve actually thought of putting my mom’s marker in the Robertson family graveyard on the land in Blaine—so let’s see what that would look like: markers for my grandparents Judson and Clara (hers w/o a death date); a marker for my Uncle Clifton, their first son together; no marker for their second son—my dad; finally a small marker for their in-law, my mom, divorced from dad almost 20 years at the time of his death—maybe not such a good idea. Her tiny marker would also, physically, look like a foot note to the three giant slab.  I do kind of like the absurdity of the whole idea though. 

We scattered dad’s remaining ashes around the markers when Sharon and James were here and I think that is good enough for him. He’s already had his main wish fulfilled by Sharon. Theatre ham that he was, he wanted his ashes in an urn placed on the mantel piece for everyone to see and talk about along with a short poem he wrote. Sharon did him one better and put some of his ashes in three urns keeping one for herself, sending one to my sister and one to me. We don’t have a mantel at my house but we put him on a shelf. 

(Although dad’s isn’t a curse, he was inspired by the one Shakespeare wrote for his tomb. We had a framed rubbing of it in my childhood home(s). Shakespeare’s went “Good friend for Jesus sake forbear to dig the dust enclosed here, Bless be he who spares these stones and curse be he who moves my bones.”)

By the way, getting back to the topic of absurdism—it was one of my father’s favorite types of theatre. He loved Samuel Beckett and one of the first plays he directed at his first college teaching job at Sewanee was Rhinoceros by the absurdist Eugéne Ionesco. 

My mom’s folks, dad’s in-laws, wanted to support pop’s efforts at his first big gig and a number of mom’s family regularly made the trip up the mountain from Jasper to see the plays he directed. My short, little Aunt Berniece was one of them. Aunt Linda, a young woman fresh out of college accompanied her to the Ionesco play. Aunt Linda reported to me the other day that coming out of the Rhinoceros production way back in 1966 Berniece said “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen in my life”.

Death, and how we memorialize it certainly seems to have a good dose of ridiculous mixed in with the serious. It just sometimes takes a while to get through the mourning to see it.

What I’ve suggested to Sharon is that instead of purchasing any more heavy slabs of granite that we instead start a family non-fungible token or NFT. This is as good as granite and quite possibly will outlast that hardest of rocks by millions of years (if there are any humans left by then). Also, because its digital, all kinds of information could be added to honor, explain, or celebrate the life of the deceased.

Here are a few people I could add to the blockchain:

Clara Hamlett Robertson

Died: June 19, 1996,  Johnson City, TN 

Robert Manning, Jr. 

Died: February 28, 2021, Cedarhurst, NY

and of special note,

Virginia Powers

Died: July 21, 2021, Chattanooga, TN

Virginia, the grandmother of my cousins Kim and Trae passed away yesterday at 94 years old. She was a lovely lady. Virginia was one of ten Tennessee relatives that came to visit me at Christmas time in Berkeley, CA in 2007. We all bombed around northern California seeing the sights in a rented van with Celeste the Parking Goddess treating us very well. Virginia and my oldest living cousin Patsy, who is now 89,  bunked together in a motel on University Avenue, near where I lived. By all signs Virginia and Patsy were the perfect roommates and could be seen giggling like teenagers everywhere we went, from Alcatraz and Fisherman’s Wharf to Napa and Muir Woods. One of our favorite non-touristy things was visiting tree sitters in a grove of old oaks on the UC Berkeley campus. Virginia will be sorely missed.

Day 34 – Corryton, TN

July 19, 2021

“But I have a black friend, I can’t be racist.”

This notion of course is absurd. Furthermore, it has been my position now for a long time that a person cannot grow up in a country with institutional, systemic racism and not be racist to some extent. Becoming unbrainwashed in the very system that has done the brainwashing is not an easy thing.

Still, I’ve always hated that quote (but I have a black friend) being thrown back in the faces of people who use it. Certainly it is naive, but I guess it’s because friendship is such a sacred thing I believe it should not be denigrated. Friendships are what we need. 

One of the friends that read my post yesterday was a little stunned that I had not had a sleep over until 11th grade with Sande. I just want to clarify that for the sake of this travel project, race is one of my subjects and for that reason I chose to focus only on my friendships with those that are other-than-white during my nuclear family years. I’ll break from that a little today.

I have been blessed to have friends at many ages and accompanying sleep overs—including a deep though brief friendship with Mike in the 5th grade, Jeff in the 8th grade, and a longer friendship with the Davis brothers in 8th through 10th grade until a fist fight with the younger brother ended things. Funnily enough, it was a fist fight with the older brother in 8th grade math class that had begun our friendship. 

There were other boys I had meaningful friendships with but without sleep overs—the same with girls. In fact, I did not see girls outside of school except at parties or school engagements. The fact that I didn’t have a friendship with a girl outside of school feels like something I could do a whole other travel log around. Certainly, gender would be a worthy topic. 

But before I get too far afield of the far field I am already in, I want to go back to the Davis brothers—the ones whose friendship started with a fight and ended with one as well.

I drove by their old homestead when I was in Hattiesburg and cried. It appeared to be abandoned. The windows were boarded up and the front porch was missing a whole wall. A blue plastic tarp on part of the roof was weighted down with bricks. Seeing it in such disrepair tore something loose in me. 

I’d spent many hours there with those brothers after school and sleeping over. Their dad often took us to buy a dozen glazed donuts on weekend mornings. 

As I looked at the home I remembered the last time I was in it. I had been standing in the room just inside the door facing my friend whose face I suddenly resented and hated for reasons I won’t go into. Others were at home in the den watching tv. There was a smug expression on his face that made me sick and I snapped a fist into his mouth. He’d taken a moment to dab his fingers in the blood and then delicately lick his lip to taste it before pummeling me into blindness. The first few punches had me seeing stars before I managed to feel my way to a nearby lazyboy chair and stick my head into it while he continued to throw haymakers at the sides of my head.  Soon the oldest of the four brothers pulled him off me.

Months later he came to my house trying to sell me an old coin of his mother’s. I couldn’t tell if it was a peace offering or if he was up to no good. I declined it and that was the end. 

Seeing the house in such bad shape was so emotional I think because it was a visual representation of how our friendship had been left.

——————

If you have been following these semi-daily posts you may have noticed that there is one childhood home still left on the inventory. I’m not saving it for any particular reason other than it is the last home I visited during these travels. It also represents the most magical place I lived. If I’ve ever seemed to have a sense of entitlement, surely Sewanee, TN and the castellated and castled stone world of the University of the South has something to do with it. 

I may have made promises to you that these entries would end when I had visited all my childhood homes, but I feel this story is still backlogged a bit. It may be that it doesn’t feel complete until I roll back into my driveway in Concord, CA toward the end of the first week of August. If you stick with me I will feel honored, but of course, there is no rush. It will all be available for later reading if you like or to throw in your email trash. It is what it is.

What it was in Corryton this morning was foggy and I’d like to share some pictures of the landscape surrounding this 55 and older condominium community. Sometimes I ask myself, “Do I have to go back?” 

Day 33–Corryton, TN

July 18, 2021

I first heard the phrase Black Lives Matter identified as a movement in 2017 although, apparently, the phrase had already been around several years. I knew the organizers were on to something when I heard it. 

For too long the anti police-violence movement tried to appeal to people with just a list of names and faces that were often times difficult to make a case for. A lot of supposedly upstanding white citizens, deep down, just didn’t have a problem with instant justice meted out by the police. When it came down to it, black lives just didn’t matter enough to dicker over whether accosting a store clerk and stealing a pack of cigarillos deserved an old west death sentence. 

It’s why justice was denied for the murder of a teenage boy from up north who, way back in 1955, had the audacity to whistle at a white woman. The thought of him doing such a thing scraped a sulfur-tipped match across sandpaper and lit a bright flame of hatred in the heart of many white southerners. That hatred was stoked and encouraged to burn bright and long and remained undamped by the image of Emmet Till’s bloated body dragged like hanging meat from the Tallahatchie River. Provocation was provocation. After all if such behavior was allowed, where would it end? 

Barack Obama picked a good title for his book when he chose The Audacity of Hope. Black folk, black men especially, were not allowed to have audacity. It was a rare thing and it was mostly only associated with bad things. 

When I first moved to Mississippi my first friends were black boys my age—Emmet Till’s age. I was 13. My parent’s had bought that big house on Main Street which represented the dividing line between the races. Almost without exception everything on the south side of Main Street was white. Everything on the other side, on the north side of Main, across  the railroad tracks, were black homes. This was the quarters–or Goula as Elijah called his old neighborhood. 

I did not know until recently, talking to Elijah, that Hawkins Junior High had started out as a white school. The year he went there, 1967, was just the second year of integration in Hattiesburg. Elijah could have stayed at an all black school in the quarter but he believed he’d be better off at Hawkins. Already on the chunky side, he thought life would be easier there than at the all black middle school where he’d be mercilessly teased. 

Ten years later, when I went to Hawkins, most of the white families had fled to the majority white junior high across town. Elijah had helped bring in the black kids that the whites ran from. Two long blocks from my house, Hawkins was now an 80% black majority and 20% white even though the neighborhood itself was still white.

There were no other races at Hawkins—no Asians (generically known as Chinese) or Latinos. If anyone had a race that was not black or white they hid it well. 

Wait, I’m forgetting Regina! She arrived in the ninth grade from Venezuela. Tall, well-built and beautiful, she immediately had every teen age boy forgetting whatever derogatory name they’d ever heard concerning people south of the border. I have no idea what brought such an exotic teenager to Hattiesburg in 1978. But she was an exception. 

Hawkins retained the mascot of the “Fighting Irish” though the football team was 90% black. The cheerleading team was opposite. There was one black girl on a squad of eight. Beauty, a requirement for cheerleaders, was still firmly entrenched as the domain of the white race. 

Children can usually get away with being audacious—at least with each other. If they are confronted by it they can sometimes claim ignorance. Emmitt Till’s crime, committed among adults,  was apparently too big for this.

One of the ways we black and white boys pushed the socially constructed,  racial envelope, two decades after Till’s murder, was to play, what I’ve since heard called, the dozens. 

Mostly it involved insulting someone else’s momma—as in “your mama is so ugly….” I was never very good at it and only made it through a round or two. I usually had to stop after my go-to insult which was, “That’s not what your mamma said last night when she came scratchin’ on my window.” 

I came to Hattiesburg, friendless, the summer before eighth grade. I found a couple of boys to play basketball with soon after arriving in my neighborhood. After the first or second game one of the kids brazenly said the basketball was his and took it home. The next day I went to his house and he gave it back smiling, pleased, I think,  that he had created this worry in a white boy.

One of my draws to entice kids to my house was telling them I had a pool table.  I mentioned in an earlier write that I’d bought a regulation size, Sears Brunswick, table our last year in Texas. I saved up paper route money to get it.  My generous parents shared space with it in the living room, with their bed, at the Londonderry Lane apartments. Now, in the big, old southern bungalow house on Main Street, it fit in my house-wide room at the back with enough space around it to make a short stick obsolete.

James was one of the kids I attracted with the lure of the pool table. He had an open, mischievous look in his eyes and a diagonal scar line that went across his thick, upper lip and pointed to a front tooth with a large chip. He usually held his mouth slightly open revealing the tooth. The corners of his mouth always looked ready to smile. I’d say he had a good dose of what my grandmother called “The Devil” in him. The Devil got in me fairly often too, so I knew the telltale signs. 

James always came to our back door which I thought was strange, but my parents told me a lot of black folks had been taught that this is the way you came to a white person’s house. 

It didn’t seem like a good way to go under the radar to me. James had to go through a gate in the back to get there. Coming to the front door would be far less suspicious. 

I went to James’ house once. It wasn’t behind the railroad tracks but on a far side of town I’d never seen. We walked there in the heat of the day, the world quiet and different in the way it is when you are with a new friend. 

His house was a small 12 by 18 foot box sitting on brick piers with a triangular roof. Steep wooden steps led to the door. It was the kind of house kids draw to represent “house” in Kindergarten. He lived with an aunt. It was dark inside and piled with furnishings and clothes. Nobody was home and we didn’t stay long. Mostly James came to me. 

One day after some pool games James went over to my mirrored bureau. I followed him there and watched him look around then pick up my wallet. 

“Give it back,” I said.

“No, this wallet is mine,” he said smiling.

“No, it’s not. Give it back!”

“What? This is mine,” he insisted playfully.

My mother passing through the hall must have heard the commotion.

“What’s going on?” she asked appearing in the doorway. 

James stuck the wallet behind him. We both said nutin’ at the same time. When she left he handed it over and said he was just kidding. The next few times James came to my house I made some excuse not to play with him. 

Another black kid came over enticed with the pool table. He even had dinner with my family one night. He had not bathed in a while and the smell elicited raised eyebrows among my family. Mom tried to make him feel comfortable as he drew into himself to eat. This kid was less openly devilish than James, but in private, he too seemed to play on some insecurity of mine which led to a less than satisfactory friendship. 

This type of joking wasn’t something I could get used to. These kids were picking up on some inherent distrust on my part or playing on a stereotype they’d been labeled with. Either way, it was too much for me to deal with. 

At some point while I was in junior high I made friends with a light-skinned, mixed race boy named Marcus who lived a few blocks away. He would joke with me but not in a way to make me feel uncomfortable. There was something more sophisticated in his humor—irony or sarcasm. I met his mother who was raising him by herself. He’d had a step-father that he told me a horrible, sad story about involving a kitten. I won’t share it because it still disturbs me. 

Marcus was a Jehovah’s Witness. It was my first taste of this religion—or at least, he was the first representative of it that I met. Perhaps because I liked him, I have always had a willingness to engage with Witnesses. Eventually I came to believe that many of their ideas are ludicrous, but I always maintained a respect for the followers and knew they were on to something by the fact that, of all religions, they seemed to have the most mixed race congregation I knew of. 

There was a time in San Francisco when I was a regular reader of their magazine, Awake. I’d get it from an African American woman who stood at my morning bus stop on the corner of Market and 8th where I’d wait in the dark to ride out to Hunter’s Point Naval Shipyard. I drove a truck delivering sandwiches from a company based out of a cooperative kitchen there. The woman’s greeting was always welcoming and we had many pleasant chats. I only took Awake from her which had practical articles and advice. Watchtower, the other JW magazine was evangelical and uninteresting to me.

While Marcus and I were friends—I’d even say confidants—we never had sleepovers or spent time going places together. We mostly hung out at school. Occasionally I’d drop by his house. I don’t think he ever came to mine. 

Between fifth and tenth grade I had pretty much failed to grow. I was the shortest boy in 10th grade. That year I met the person that would become my best friend for the remainder of high school and my first year of college. Chris was gay but not out of the closet then. He was pasty white with red hair and not athletic at all. Despite being short I retained some pride in my own, largely unrecognized, athleticism. 

Somehow Chris and I became good friends. He would call me “little boy” in a very disdainful way but it always ended with a twinkle in his eye that I picked up on and by eleventh grade I was regularly going to his upscale, middle class brick house where his sophisticated, older parents greeted me from the living room where they usually sat quietly reading. 

His father who was then in his sixties had remarried late in life and had Chris and his younger brother. Chris’ mom, thin and a head taller than his father, had a stern look but a friendly enough smile. She wore women’s business suits and had her black hair in a tight bun that seemed to pull back her face and further accentuate her high cheek bones and thin cheeks. 

The family drank out of short but wide glass tumblers instead of the tall, more narrow kitchen glasses typical at my house. I had often felt my family more sophisticated than other families I’d meet—if not in home decor, at least on an intellectual level. However, Chris’ family seemed to have us beat all around. 

The “little boy” disdain he had for me must not have been all an act. 

At around this time Chris introduced me to a friend who lived around the corner from him. Sande was the only African American kid I knew in Hattiesburg who lived in one of the modern, suburban neighborhoods beyond the center of town. His mother was a professor at the University of Southern Mississippi like my dad and also the dean of her department. 

Sande was something of a boy wonder. He placed in the National Science fair for several years in a row. When I knew him he was building robots. He had a Hewlett Packard computer he’d won in his first national fair which he programmed to control a robotic arm he built. I’d watch the indecipherable green letters of code scroll upward on his HP as he did test runs on new commands. 

He had milk-chocolate skin with tight, kinky hair. He wore glasses, had a high vocabulary and had earned his nerd card a thousand times over. But he was unique in that he was also socially adept. He didn’t act like or present as a nerd—just a put-together kid. As I got to know him more I learned he even had girlfriends!

The first time I hung out with Sande alone he asked if I’d like to spend the night. We were having a good time.

“Really?” I said with a level of enthusiasm that must have revealed my surprise and excitement. 

“Why not?” Sande said. “I enjoy your company.” 

I had never had someone be so frank with me and reveal that they liked me. It was an eye opening experience. In retrospect, maybe it was the way his scientific brain worked. Cause and effect; like and hang out. It struck me as rather revolutionary that a person could actually have enough confidence in himself to say what he felt! My normal experience with testosterone driven boys my age was to keep all feelings hidden and only share tough thoughts. Sande and Chris were a shift for me toward a kinder, more thoughtful world. Not surprisingly I suddenly started caring more about school and my grades started a sudden steep incline.

Sande quickly became my other best friend. Sometimes the three of us hung out together although mostly we were one on one. One of my favorite pictures is the three of us hanging out on my big front porch in Hattiesburg. We all are laughing and at ease and I must be in my senior year of high school or just beginning University for I am as tall as Chris and Sande and there is no way Chris could call me little boy anymore. 

My tastes in gourmet coffees and craft beers are becoming simpler here in Corryton. Sometimes I really do feel like saying, “It’s not all that.”

Days 31 and 32–Corryton, TN

July 17, 2021

I’m back in Corryton taking a short break from the writing while my step mom is here visiting from Raleigh, NC with her husband James. 

I left Winchester Thursday and stayed over in Jasper with cousins. On my way out on Friday I stopped at the house of my mom’s oldest living cousin, Patsy. She is 89 and lives on the hill, which is what we always called the homestead in Jasper where Aunt Bernice and Uncle Hoyle, her parents, lived during the era of big family gatherings.  

Aunt Bernice, the oldest of grandma’s ten siblings, was the main yardstick for my growth as a youth. She was short, my same height for many years and whenever I arrived at her door she would give me a big hug which was very much like hugging a big feather pillow. She smelled of the earth and the pillow, the old house and everything that grew there. 

“My goodness you are shooting up like a pole bean,” she’d say. She knew a lot about pole beans because she always grew them in the garden with tomatoes and okra, corn and whatever else you can think of. In back was a sunken, cool, house for keeping row upon row of quart mason jars of canned vegetables. 

I remember my stages of growth based on Aunt Bernice: looking up to her, being eye to eye (my favorite because I could really see the love) and then towering over her. Uncle Hoyle was 6’2’’. Next to her 4’8” they were an interesting looking couple. 

When I arrived at their house on the hill I would sometimes see Uncle Hoyle in the field plowing with two mules that he walked behind in his blue overalls. Uncle Hoyle smelled of and chewed Red Ox tobacco which he cut from a coil. I had a hard time understanding anything he said except “Come over here boy,” which sounded like “Cumor hur boa.” His lips barely moved when he spoke. The words were a mule-talking mystery to me. I was afraid of him. I remember he once put me on his tall knee after I “came over there” and I immediately squirmed and slid down. 

Mom gave him blanket permission to whip my butt if I started being a bad boy and so I always gave him a wide berth. He never did give me a whippin’ but he did once get up from the slider on the front porch, walk down under the big, shade tree and say, “Cumor hur boa”. 

I’m not sure what kind of nonsense I’d been involved in, but it must have been annoying to a man who moved with the slow deliberation of early shudder photographs meant to show human motion. 

He pointed to a limb high above my head and said, “See that limb?”. 

I was aided in understanding him by the fact that it was a short sentence and he was pointing directly at the object. I nodded yes.

“Grab a hold of it,” he said.

He lifted my little body above his head. I grabbed the limb. Then he let go and walked away. The ground was very far below. 

This all that is left of the tree where I was left to ponder distance and gravity.

Correction: The favorite tree I showed in my post two days ago is a redbud not a rosebud. Specifically, it is called a Rising Sun Redbud. 

Day 30–Estill Springs, TN—five miles outside Winchester

July 15, 2021

There was a spider incursion last night…oh, and another visit from a police officer—the third now. As for the spiders they were like daddy longlegs but not as big and their bodies, instead of being pea shaped were more like husks of rice. I had just laid back with my headlamp on and looked up on the ceiling and there were about five. Then when I started looking around I saw about 20 more and some little ones of a different species. It took a while to get them out as they could drop on a thread or run fast and I was trying to gather them with a hand towel and flick them out the back window. Of course, after re-securing my camper and thinking I was rid of them I found more. Oh well. Sleep with the spiders.

I’m leaving Winchester today but as is the case with most of the places I’ve visited the thread is pulled tight and the material of stories are bunched. It will be difficult to smooth them down and give them the time and space they deserve. 

I suppose it was my intention to leave a cliff hanger the other day as a friend pointed out when she sent me a simple email that went like this: Dun dun duuunnnn. I can only blame too many forensic files back in Corryton. Now it simply seems like too much work to keep the cliff hanger going.

Yes, I was visited by the police here two nights ago. Yes, there was another incident in the cemetery when I first arrived. And yes, I was awakened again last night at 12:30 a.m. by a police officer in the same city park. But if that is all you knew…and that I had run into a large, new confederate memorial in my grandmother’s cemetery you would have a skewed view of my hometown and might be apt to have conspiracy theories about proud boys, the KKK and other fringe groups…just as I courted earlier in the week. 

I wanted to keep the fear narrative going because fear is the expectation I ran into so much in the past when I talked with people in college (and later in life) who had never visited the South and probably weren’t going to because of everything they’d heard. I wanted to keep that fear idea going because I wanted to lambast that expectation into oblivion which all my other interactions were showing me was the right thing to do. Then I was visited by the police again last night.

Okay, that deserves another Dun dun duuunnnn…….

I was just beginning to fall off to sleep when I heard car wheels churn in the gravel near my truck. The wheels stopped and I heard a car door shut and footsteps. A flashlight moved across the curtains which I had chosen to close after the incident from the previous night. I heard the scratchy break of a police radio and indistinguishable jabber. The light explored the curtains further looking for a gap. Then I heard the scratchy radio go silent and a thick southern voice just outside my window screen—“There doesn’t appear to be anyone here….”

“Hello!” I called out before anymore theorizing could get thrown about. 

If I was incredulous the night before I was honestly worried this time. Two nights in a row!!! What the hell was the problem with these people? Is the safety patrol the wake patrol? 

I have a camping permit hanging from my rear view!” I called with a bit of exasperation. 

“Did you know your two doors are wide open?” the officer said back to me. 

I peaked out the window to the drivers side then popped across the mattress to look out the window to the other.

“Oh my god!” I called out. “I am such an idiot!” 

It was also an exhalation of relief. There was a reason for the officer to be here and this time it was my fault!

I find it funny that the picture I posted yesterday of the permit tag on my rearview also shows the state I left my truck in last night when I climbed in the shell to go to bed. A whole day had passed of writing at two different locations, taking pictures, and searching for the last house on my list. But the picture the police officer saw sometime after midnight, in the darkness of a thin waxing moon,  appeared as something possibly sinister.

“We’ve had cars abandoned down here” he said. “I just spent the last half hour searching the perimeter. When you come across a vehicle with both doors open you wonder where the occupants went.”

Wow! A cop that explains things before he starts in on the third degree! That’s different. I immediately felt like this was someone I could talk to and I began to explain myself and what I was doing in Winchester searching for home and how much I wanted to defend what I loved about the South. 

“Yes, I’ve tried to fight that narrative myself,” Greg said with his thick southern voice. “What you’re doing is good because you’re telling the truth about what you see. We need more of that message getting out. There are too many who try to sensationalize things. But the truth is also that there still are things to fear.”

I was speaking to the police officer through the screen of the open window on my truck. Several times I had to add pillows under my arm to get comfortable. We were alone. He had an automatic handgun on his holster, a yellow stun gun closer to his chest and who knows what other apparatus on his work belt. The bulk of several box-like soft structures made a shelf where he sometimes rested his arms.

“The Ku Klux Klan burned a cross in my mothers yard just back in 2002 when she befriended a black man where she worked. Her friend said he wouldn’t step foot in her town because the stars and bars were flying right at the entrance. She convinced him it wasn’t like that, then, when he finally did come to visit, the next night she had a cross burning in her front yard.” 

Greg is a handsome, mid-thirties man with narrow unframed window glasses which he would occasionally adjust with two fingers at the temple. I would have guessed he was in his twenties but when I did the math it added up to more. He was a former marine stationed in southern California fifteen years ago. He had not seen a same sex couple until then. He had not had a black friend until he joined the marines. Now, he was not only a cop, but a trainer of cops. 

We talked about the repercussions of the George Floyd case which he had followed closely. His police department now has a duty to intervene policy after Governor Lee recommended departments review their procedures. The Republican governor introduced the duty to intervene idea just a month after the George Floyd incident. It is now required in many large Tennessee metropolises and state agencies for officers to intervene when they see a fellow cop engaged in an unreasonable use of force.

Greg brought up the Rodney King case also. He had watched the recording —that was likely made around the time he was in Kindergarten—numerous times. He talked about how there is a moment on the flickering VHS when another police officer walks toward the scene, stops, sees what is going on and quietly backs out of the frame. Greg says that guy knew he could be held responsible for what was happening. 

I told him about my participation in the Rodney King protests that turned into a riot in San Francisco. I was standing at the window of Layne’s Jewelry on Market Street when the plate glass was smashed and gold watches and jewels were flung everywhere on the sidewalk for the taking. 

I told him how at the top of Knob Hill a long white limousine had been overrun by the crowd. People were on top of it stomping on the roof. I was at the back door when an African American youth, barely a teenager, pulled open the door and started reaching for a white man with impeccably coiffed hair and a picnic basket on the floor behind the passenger seat. The man was stomping on the basket to get to the opposite side as the teen reached for him with a gleeful look in his eyes. 

I  put my hand on the teens arm and said, “Hey man, what are you doing?” 

It was enough to wake him from whatever dark fantasy he had fallen into. 

“See that would never happen in Tennessee,” Greg said. “Too many people carry guns. No one would try that here.” 

It was an endorsement of firearms and then he said a few more favorable things before adding that the permissiveness of firearms in the South also made it the most likely place for an officer to be killed. Then he lamented that the constitutional carry law just went into effect July first in Tennessee. That law allows anyone in the state to carry a firearm without a permit. He said that before this law, he could stop anyone carrying a fire arm and ask to see their permit and if they didn’t have one it gave him permission to do a further search. Now he is not legally able to do that and bank robbers and murderers can openly carry guns.

“We got a call the first day constitutional carry became law. A man had walked in to the Dollar General with three guns strapped to him. Now who needs that. He was just doing it because he could. We went there, but we couldn’t do anything about it. We couldn’t even question him. That’s his right now.”

“People have this idea that everything should be like it was during the wild west,” he continued.  “But these are different times. Back then if someone stole your possession it might be months before you could get another of whatever it was. There were harsher punishments for a reason. It was about survival.” 

Our conversation continued ranging from affordable housing, the role of police in community policing and ultimately what we wished for the world. It was over an hour before we were done. 

I started to get the idea that Estill Springs wasn’t as rough as the cases of prostitution, drug dealing and car theft might have led me to think. If he hadn’t been whisked away on a call by then, things couldn’t be that bad. 

Greg said he hated the confederate flag. 

“It represents nothing but hate and violence. It’s the same thing as people flying the Nazi flag,”  he said.

“Yeah,” I said, “and it seems to me there are so many better ways to celebrate your history if that’s what you want to do.”

“Most of the people who fly it don’t even know who in their family fought in the war or which great, great, grandfather it was.”

Greg made some interesting points about the confederate flag and its use as a military flag. As a former marine he had a different perspective.

“As wrong as that flag is I can understand how it might fit in with a military cemetery. It’s the flag that was draped over those people’s coffins.” 

At some point earlier in the conversation I had asked if there was an African American officer on his police force. 

“Yes there is,” he said. 

“I just wanted to confirm,” I said. “It was a black man who shined the light in my eyes and wouldn’t take it down until his partner finally saw my permit.”

This fact I was going to keep from you, dear reader, while I played out my little cliff hanger, because as my mind had started to work a little conspiracy theory earlier in the week about colluding police forces, unnamed white nationalist groups, and community spies, it was not until I saw that it was a black man that shined the light in my eyes that I pretty much gave up that idea. 

The flashlight shining officer had a very country voice with zero black patois and when for the briefest moment his light had gone across his right arm I was able to relax a bit—even though I hated the way he handled the situation. My already dubious mind just couldn’t go the distance of a black officer conspiring with white nationalist, although in this world, anything is possible and it has probably happened. 

I’m just not important enough for anyone to bother with that kind of thing.

A view of the train trestle across from my camp. Three or four trains came through each night. I just noticed all these large blossoming flowers this morning.
Another redbud—one of my favorite trees.
I hated seeing this flag in a portion of the City Cemetery.
This monument was erected in 2003 and the brass plate beneath it was added in 2007. I don’t understand why people want to celebrate their ancestor’s mistakes instead of letting that part of their history die. Great, great grandpa’s corn whiskey recipe or the story of his best milk cow would be such a better way to honor him. I was approached by a police officer in the cemetary when I was back at my grandparent’s grave. Already shaken by this monument to the confederacy I may have linked the officers appearance. Not a good place to start my trip to Winchester. I may go into the details of that encounter at another time.